Columns

The book on candidates in the upcoming primary election

It’s that time of year when responsible journalists, such those who labor for Gig Harbor Now, offer the electorate some earnest and well-intentioned advice.

VOTE!

Done.

But, for pure entertainment value, we suggest this first.

READ A BOOK!  There’s nothing like a book, particularly a 112-pager printed on cheap newsprint and delivered (at taxpayer expense) free to you.  Oh.  You are a taxpayer.  Sorry.

The book is one you probably have lying around the house, likely several inches deep in that tottering tower of junk mail you’ve been meaning to sort through: the Pierce County Auditor’s Office Official Local Voter’s Pamphlet.

The cover of the Pierce County voters guide for the Aug. 6 primary election.

In one flimsy volume, you’ll find enough characters to populate a stack of Russian novels, not to mention a wealth of dramas, predictions of doom, dreams of glory, tons of self-aggrandizement and even some laughs, most not intended as comedy.

Even the list of candidates’ “preferred” parties offers some delights.  There’s at least 12 of them:

Republican Party

Democratic Party

Nonpartisan Party

Libertarian Party

Liberal Republican Party

Independent Party

Socialist Workers Party

Green Party

Union Party

Standup-America Party

Nonsense Busters Party

And, of course,

The Congress Sucks Party

Based on how most of the candidates present themselves in writing, there seems to be only one tax they have already, or will, repeal: Syntax.

The book’s bulk reminds us that there’s no shortage of folk wanting to improve our communities, counties, state, nation and lives. Not surprisingly, they think they are just the one to do the job.

Eleven candidates are on the ballot for U.S. senator, nine men and two women. Three women and two men want the Sixth District seat in Congress. A dozen men and four women seek the governorship, while only five, all men, crave the lieutenant governor’s office.

Add to that all the other state, legislative and local races. What a book it is.

All hopefuls must abide by the Auditor’s Office format, under titles “Elected Experience,” “Other Professional Experience,” “Education,” “Community Service,” and “Statement.”

It is often in the latter category that the words, cliches, campaign slogans and outright partisan blather begin to tumble, mumble and stumble, stacked column inches high until you’re grateful that the bottom of the page puts an end to it.

“I believe,” opines one candidate under “Community Service,” “that we all do better when we all do better.” Hard to argue with that.

There are well-written exceptions, but we will let you look for them, in part to further our — and the auditor’s — goals, encouraging a better-informed electorate. We encourage you to mine the voters’ guide for the gems, but know that, in its pages, you might dig up some trash-talk.

One candidate for governor thought to encourage you to “Stop dirty-fascist-rats who drink from fat cat toilet.”

In another apparent breach of civil discourse, a U.S. Senate candidate thought it important to inform you that his political villains “have been blowing smoke up your ass for a long time now, you’ve been hosed.”

One U.S. Senate hopeful describes her “Professional Experience” as “respectfully areligious with a natural inclination for grasping the foundations and direction of the church. I look forward to progress in eliminating LGBTQ intolerance and elevating women. Likely Vatican, governments, and RF (Russian Federation) influencer.”  We’ll see.

Another Senate candidate listed his Professional Experience as “Watching C-Span for 30 years.” Among goals listed in his “Statement”: “Make C-Span more entertaining.”

For others, sometimes very few words say so much.

Under the category “Education,” one candid 10th District U.S. House candidate offers only, “Not much.”  Another candidate in the same race cataloged his “Education” as “Yes,” “Elected Experience” as “None,” and “Other Professional Experience” as “Some.”  If brevity became a political virtue, he’d be a shoo-in.

Some candidates seeking to become politicians use the category “Elected Experience” to deny ambitions. For example, a U.S. Senate candidate responds: “None. I am not a politician.” A gubernatorial candidate brags: “I am not a politician. Luckily.”

Then there are those unlikely to gain votes from you pamphlet readers. For example, in the 31st Legislative District there’s a candidate whose entry gives a name, a preferred party as Democratic. Other than his phone and e-mail address, there’s a silhouette of a head labelled “No Photo Submitted” and, under each of the auditor’s categories, the following words: No Information Submitted.” Good luck with that.

As for those of you who have waded through this primary electoral marsh to here,

READ

ENJOY

and primarily

VOTE!

Chapin Day

Former journalist and yacht broker Day, an occasional contributor to Gig Harbor Now, lives in Gig Harbor with his wife Janet.